“those goddamn ducks.”
How to successfully navigate complex family dynamics over the holidays based on what Tony Soprano has taught us about the importance of family.
As New Yorkers, it’s considered a crime to have never watched The Sopranos. Haven’t seen the show in a decade? You might be due for a rewatch of this beloved classic drama that depicts the head of the Italian mob, Tony Soprano, and his struggle to manage his family life and his family business. For true fans of this early 2000’s show, you’ve probably caught on to the symbolism that is those goddamn ducks swimming around in Tony Soprano’s pool causing him existential dread over his role as a father.
The ducks in his pool represent a nuclear family that gives us a glimpse into Tony’s softer side and demonstrate his efforts to create a safe space for these ducks to swim and have their ducklings. Tony’s homemade ramp for the ducklings’ easy access in and out of the pool gives us all the evidence we need to suggest that Tony is eager to hold onto those precious moments of starting his own family. Throughout the show, preoccupation sets in for Tony about being able to contain the duck family, much like that of his preoccupation with keeping crime life out of his personal home for fear of losing his loved ones altogether. Over the course of six seasons, we watch Tony agonize over the growing disconnect between him and his teenage daughter Meadow and his on and off again marriage to Carmela. Tony becomes depressed as he witnesses the ducks flying out and away from his New Jersey suburban pool - the home he created for them. Therapy sessions with Dr. Melfi conclude that the ducks flying away from his pool symbolizes the fear of losing of his own nuclear family and subsequently his American Dream.
As complicated as Tony’s family and business lives are, he still regretted some of his decisions that didn’t put his family first. “Those goddamn ducks” implies a tinge of resentment over how vulnerable the ducks make Tony feel. Despite the ways in which he saw his family as a vulnerability to him and his business, Tony longed for a peaceful relationship with his sister and children and to reconnect with his wife whom he pushed away against his better judgment. So what can we learn from Tony Soprano about what is most valuable to us at the end of the day? Family and connection. As complicated as families are, there is something so important about maintaining these relationships, which are often put to the test over the holidays.
Interested in learning how to tolerate your resentments towards those ducks and how to navigate complex relationships over the holidays? Read below for some easy tips for a more peaceful and unified holiday experience:
Get in the spirit
If you’re not super excited to be spending such quality time with your family this season, it is important to find something you are grateful for and can look forward to. No need to overthink it either… Set your sights on making the crowd-pleasing dessert that perfectly matches the occasion. Or perhaps you’re more into treating yourself to a holiday-themed outfit? Not every family is going to go for matching PJs and a photoshoot, but consider what makes you feel good and excited for the holidays. If that means dressing up and having somewhere to be - go for it! Some families love to make holiday cookies. Perfecting the family recipe or taste testing a cookie sampler with a side of hot chocolate is a tried and true way to get yourself mentally prepared - and excited - for the season. Off from school or work? Now is the perfect time to rewatch all your favorite holiday-themed TV episodes - The O.C.’s beloved Chismukkah episode comes to mind and just about every season of Gilmore Girls has a delightfully complicated Christmas episode to watch for inspiration. Take a page of Lorelei Gilmore’s book for how to properly get in the holiday spirit (think Björk-snowmen and snowed in dinner parties with all of your neighbors.)
Getting in the spirit should be personal to you and should include aspects of the holiday season that you can embrace the most.
Focus on the collective joy of the season
This means putting your energy into being a part of the group and your intentions on building healthier relationships. Our presidential election has divided the country and inevitably divided families all over the country too. Instead of focusing on your political discrepancies, focus on what values you can agree on, such as being together for the holidays. If this means tabling all politics for the season, so be it! Move away from conversations that will incite controversy and move towards conversations that will connect one another.
Need some pragmatic ways to connect if politics are off the table?
Consider some of these ideas from the list below:
Turkey Trot - focus the family’s attention on the impressive and hilarious Thanksgiving tradition that is running a long distance on Thanksgiving morning before feasting in the evening. Make it interesting with lighthearted bets or ridiculous outfits to run in.
Uphold (or invent) family traditions - for many this might look like going around the dinner table and verbalizing something each person is grateful for. It’s sentimental, it’s meaningful, and it’s sure to bring family closer together. Another easy tradition that comes to mind is the Wishbone tradition. Pick the family member you’d like to compete with, make a wish, and break that bird bone! There are many easy holiday traditions to fold into your family get togethers. Spin the dreidel and White Elephant are games that work for practically all age groups.
Pitch In - nothing screams louder that you’re a team player than offering your assistance to the host. Tie the apron around you and get to work with food preparation or at the end of the night, put on some rubber gloves and get to work cleaning up a dinner of epic proportions.
Holiday Movies - spending the night at your relatives house? An easy way to bond without risking dialogue drifting towards climate change is to watch a holiday classic together. Who doesn’t love reciting quotes from the master of Christmas spirit, Buddy the Elf? No family is immune to the wholesome message the McCallisters learn that accompanies a binge watch of the Home Alone movies. Here I might recommend avoiding The Many Saints of Newark or anything Sopranos related - the Sopranos may have some good family morals, but it comes with a side of racketeering, gambling and murder…
Know your limits
Just because we are putting the emphasis on the collective as a family-time survival skill, does not mean that the relationships with family need to be boundaryless. Knowing your limits and how to successfully exit a conversation or a situation that is not going to benefit you or the health of the relationship is an important technique. Being able to say ‘no’ to an invite you’d like to decline is actually a strength. Being able to walk away or successfully agree to disagree when the name Trump comes up could be key to maintaining your sanity and the virtue of the holiday.
Consider whether you are the odd one out, inclined to start a risky debate after a few glasses of wine. If so, knowing your limits applies to your alcohol consumption as well. The holidays at your family members’ house is not the time to attack one’s morals or to solve the immigration crisis. Instead, stick to a drink count going into the holiday event.
If you are not the instigator of debates, you can say something like “you raise some interesting ideas… I’d like to think more about this and discuss it at another time.” Find a reason to gently exit an argument before it gets heated - offer to get started clearing the table or doing some dishes, prep the dessert in the kitchen, walk the dog… you get the idea. Removing yourself from the conflict briefly can actually protect your relationship with your ducks and keep them from flying away permanently.
Needless to say, having some general boundaries for holiday get-togethers is key for keeping the peace unless you want a dysfunctional dinner table that rivals that of The Sopranos’.
As Tony Soprano points out to his children at the dinner table in Season 1,
“Someday soon, you’ll have families of your own.
And if you’re lucky, you’ll remember the little moments.”
These little moments of connection over food, football, holiday movies, are what help nurture our most complex family relationships during required family-time. As the holidays approach, remember to focus on the joy of the season, redirecting your energy to the ‘collective,’ and knowing when it is time to leave.
